Monday, 06 July 2009

Thursday, 19 February 2009

  • its been a while (again)

    i really suck at blogging. I'm just not the writer type. my writing isn't fun to read and most of the time it doesn't even make sense. -.-

    but yes, why did i feel the impulse to write this entry? i really dont know.

    i've noticed that a lot of people are moving on to other blogsites but for some reason, its really hard for me to leave my xanga. im so attached to it (even though i rarely write in it). It goes all the way back to my senior year in high school! dang! thats like 4 year's worth of stuff. its funny when i look back on my entries from high school or even freshman year in college. oh man, all the memories. i could see the subtle changes in my thinking, in my perspective on life as i read more recent entries and all these entries, both silly and serious, are precious to me. sure, i've deleted some entries and some of the photo links are broken but most of it all still here, and its really hard to go to another new blog. I wonder if theres a way i can save all of these entries. im going to be hella sad if one day xanga just shuts down. :(

    i think one of the reasons why i don't blog so much these days is that i've become very conscientious(?) of people's judgments. (okay i'm sure theres a better way to word that but whatevers). why do we write in public blogs? for everyone to read. even when entries are really personal, we( or at least I) tend to keep it public. at first, i started sharing a lot through my blog because i wanted to let people know "who i am inside" - HA! cliche much? really though. HOWEVER through a series of unplanned confrontations and unfortunate circumstances, i realized how much people judge others(in a negative way). :( so i began to become more self-conscious in my entries, constantly thinking about what kind of image i was puttin myself in. and then i just got tired of it. bleh. so yeah. take this entry however you want to take it. By writing this entry, i'm once again putting myself in a vulnerable position. but if i really think about it, people will always judge, through actions, words, etc. its inevitable.

    okay i dont know where i'm going with this. sorry blog readers.

    but yeah, subject change.

    my last semester of college. i feel the bittersweetness already. berkeley, you've been good to me and just as harsh. thanks. really.

     

Friday, 31 October 2008

  • We Are Foolish

    i have a midterm for mcb 130 tomorrow. im scared. even if i stayed up all night, i would not be ready. and yet, i am compelled to write this entry. this has been in my heart and i can't do anything else until i get it out:

    my heart aches.

    we are foolish creatures. we think we have some type of authority to say something. We think that somehow we have conjured up wisdom from our life experiences. We think that the only way something is right or true is if we can reason everything out with our little brains. We think we are so great in our knowledge and experience. especially those of us in leadership positions, we know that our thoughts, words and actions can greatly affect the people around us and yet, we are so careless in our speech and actions.  We think that somehow the way we think is the only true way. We think we take issues objectively but when it comes down to it.. it is skewed by our personal hurts, anger and frustrations. Why are we so narrow-minded? Why are we so stubborn? Why do we deceive ourselves into thinking that our decisions are self-less when in reality it is all about pride and self-righteousness? *sigh*

    We need to repent for our foolishness. We need to repent for our pride, our self-righteousness. We need to repent for the judgements that we've made. We are in no place to judge. We need to repent for the hurts we've brought to people because of our careless words and lack of wisdom. We all need Jesus.

    We need to PRAY. really. PRAY.

    My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

    let's think outside of ourselves. Let's be listeners for once instead of always trying to say what you think. you'll quickly find out that you're really not that great. really.

    i don't know what to say anymore. i just say i don't know. God, please give me the spirit of discernment, of wisdom and of humility as i live my life. I can't help these people anymore. i know nothing. I'm just trusting in You and Your sovereignty as You pour Your grace upon Your people. Guide us. Mold us. Use us. for Your name sake.

    random. but i needed this.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

  • A Date with my Uncle

    so... my uncle who lives in korea calls me Saturday night around 11 and says that hes on a plane coming to SF for a business conference and wants to eat with me on Sunday because thats the only free day he has. random much? and so through my broken korean, we decided to meet up at SFO.

    After church, i get dropped off at the Daly City BART station and i make my way down to SFO. I find my way through the huge airport to the international terminal and i finally find him.
    first impression: he's a lot smaller than i remember. he's gotten a lot skinnier. last time i saw him was when he came 2 years ago and we drove down to LA together. but for some reason i had forgotten how small he was. maybe its because my lasting image of him is from my childhood memories in korea, when i was half his height. but yeah... hes about the same height as i am(with my 4 inch heels, that is). haha
    anyways... a little awkward at first but nonetheless, i am genuinely happy to see him. we rent a car and we head over to pier 39/fisherman's wharf. after walking around to find a place to eat, we settle with bubba gumps. we eat until our stomachs are about to explode. note to self: no more shrimp for a year. as we eat, we catch up... him asking about my life and me asking about his life. its hard to understand sometimes because he uses hard words that i dont understand but hes patient with me whenever i ask, "What does that mean?" we talk about random stuff... like how he hates cilantro, how my dad was when he was little, etc. anyways... after we finish eating, we walk around for a while. (by this time my feet are full of blisters and i want to die. who in their right minds wear heels to fisherman's wharf) We find a starbucks. we get ourselves some lattes and chat some more. for 2 hours. then we head over to berkeley, he drops me off and thats that. what a day. 

    i loved chatting with him. even with the language barrier, we were able to talk about things like the economy, globalization, education and most importantly about God. Somehow we ended up talking about things like purpose of life and all that jazz. he loves talking (just like my dad lol ). but yeah just listening to him talk and getting to know him better, i realized what a great uncle that i have. Hes a thinker and a doer. He was really open about his struggles and experiences. maybe because he is a lot younger than my dad, i felt i could understand him better. his perspectives and approaches really challenged me and helped me to bring my life back to reality from mcat bubble. it was refreshing. :)

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

  • Recommendations

    hmmm... for those of you who wanted to read during the summer... these are some of my suggestions:

    * The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis - not necessarily... "christian". its a very interesting fictional take on Hell and Heaven. C.S. Lewis is a great writer. i liked it. (thanks nuri!)
    * Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis - this is a must... 
    * Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon - devotional book. this is what i'm using right now and i love it.  each entry is not that long. one for the morning and one for the evening. it really helps me to start and end each day with Jesus.
                    http://www.ccel.org/ccel/spurgeon/morneve.today.html
    * Desiring God by John Piper - look at my previous entry on this book.
                     http://www.desiringgod.org/dg/id1.htm
    * The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer - one of my favorite books ever.  
                     http://www3.calvarychapel.com/library/Tozer-AW/PursuitOfGod/0.htm
    * Confessions by St. Augustine - recommended by Pastor Ryan
                     http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/ipb-e/epl-ag.html
    * A Call to Spiritual Reformation by D.A. Carson - VERY good book on prayer. through the exposition of Paul's prayers, Carson really challenges his readers to pray for the right things with the right heart. 
    * THE BIBLE. ENOUGH SAID. If you want to know more about who God is and who you are in Him, go straight to the source. all of the previously mentioned books should be supplementary to your reading of the Word. They should NOT be in ANY means a replacement of the Bible.

    So yeah, there you go. anybody want to recommend any books for me? 

Monday, 30 June 2008

  • This Week

    This past week has been tough for me, im not gonna lie. lots of different things just piled on top of the other. in my studies, work, relationships, family, church. just emotionally, mentally, spiritually draining. It was hard and painful. but at the same time, im really thankful for this week. does that sound masochistic? i really am thankful because God really dug deep into my heart and showed me that I really am nothing without Him. i had thought i knew a thing or two, but God shut me down(in a good way). haha. and through this realization, ultimately, God was glorified. Its just amazing how God chooses to love me and calls me His own. i really dont deserve to be called His child or His beloved. I don't deserve His blessings. I deserve NOTHING. and yet God chooses to work within me. He choose to use me. through all the tears and whining, through all my weaknesses and my broken heart, God glorifies Himself. I feel like everything that happened throughout the week just had to be set up by God for me to hear Pastor Ryan's message on being joyful in the Lord. God's timing is unbelieveably crazy like that. Thank you.

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

  • You Wouldn't Believe Me if I Told Ya...

    that...
    1. I actually ENJOY studying for my MCATs. "enjoy" as in "i'm having fun". yeah it is stressful sometimes but the studying itself is very enjoyable. i kind of get this happy nostalgic feeling as i go through each topic. am i being weird?
    2. I have never watched an Adam Sandler movie. EVER. i dont know, i just never did.
    3. I've been waking up at 8:15AM or earlier EVERYDAY since I got up to Berkeley. (thanks to my work)
    4. I' ve been exercising at least 4 times a week.

    eh.. enough of that.

    So, I finally got the chance to pick up Desiring God by John Piper. I bought it last summer and never got a chance to read it but yeah, FINALLY im starting to read it and i really like what i've read so far. One thing that I really like about this book is Piper's efforts to bring everything back to the Word. Some authors say a lot of things that sound good or make you feel good but there is absolutely no mention of Scripture, or even worse, they convolute Scripture to cater to their own ideas. but yeah, from what I've read so far, John Piper isn't one of them... This book really reveals the scripture through its pages. And i also like the fact that Piper quotes liberally from C.S. Lewis and Jonathan Edwards. There are a lot of good points that Piper makes in this book and I would love to share with all y'all, but for the sake of brevity, i'll just share one that i recently read through. From the Worship chapter in Desiring God:

    "Worship must have heart and head. Worship must engage emotions and thought. Truth without emotion produces dead orthodoxy and a church full(or half-full) of artificial admirers (like people who write generic anniversary cards for a living). On the other hand, emotion without truth produces empty frenzy and cultivates shallow people who refuse the discipline of rigorous thought. But true worship comes from people who are deeply emotional and who love deep and sound doctrine. Strong affections for God rooted in TRUTH are the bone and marrow of biblical worship."

    If you are interested in reading it, just let me know. I'll let you borrow it once I'm done with it.

    um okay. one more thing.

    SHOUT OUT TO VICTORIA' SMALL GROUP 07-08
    THANK YOU soooo much for a WONDERFUL YEAR. it was truly a blessing to be part of such an awesome small group. each of you girls are sooooo special in your own way. doctors, lawyers, business women, pro-athlete... we've got'em ALL. HAHA The love that you showed me and each other really encouraged me to love God more and more. Thank you God for bringing such an incredible group of girls together. You are amazing. and THANKS to Victoria for being such a HUMBLE, WISE, GOD-FEARING, SCRIPTURALLY GROUNDED, LOVING SG LEADER :)






    DONE.... for now.

Thursday, 05 June 2008

  • summer, berkeley, MCAT

    So if you guys don't already know, I will be staying up at Berkeley for the whole summer. HOLLA~
    okay, not really because i will be up here studying for my MCATs . yikes!

    if you are up at berkeley and haven't seen me, sorry, my bad. i'm still trying to get into the rhythm of things. studying for MCATs by yourself is not that easy. TRY IT.

    i will try my best not to be such a hermit and really try to balance everything out. i don't want to get too stressed. studying really isnt everything (although some sad berks would disagree). but at the same time, I really want to give this summer up to the Lord specifically in my studies. I really want to give my all to studying MCATs so that God can be glorified. sounds funny when you say it like that but my conviction of God's calling into medicine is stronger than ever before and the MCAT is a big part of that process. i really believe that God will be praised through my experience this summer.

    so people, keep me accountable. in my MCAT studying, in my relationships, in my work, and especially in my time with the Lord. :) i know you guys want me to play with you guys lol but please, don't be offended or sad if i say no to hangouts and such. don't make it harder than it already is. you guys KNOW im pretty DOWN. i'll probably end up saying yes most of the time anyways. hahahah but there WILL be times when i just have to go into my little room and just simply FOCUS. so yeah.

    please pray for me :)

    new layout. just cuz.

    enjoy your summer y'all~

Friday, 30 May 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Starfield
    By Starfield
    Over My Head
    see related

    Over My Head

    i've been going back to old songs on my comp and the lyrics of this song really stuck out to me. just wanted to share.
     
    "Over My Head"
     
    After the words have all been said
    After the songs are sung
    I realize I've only but just begun
    Trying to wrap my mind around
    Extravagant love come down
    Leaves me undone
    Finds me with nothing to say
     
    The reach of Your fame
    The power in Your name
    Your glory surrounds me
    It's over my head
    It's over my head
    The shame of the cross
    For all that it cost
    This friendship astounds me
    It's over my head
    It's over my head
     
    Unquenchable songs and endless praise
    A million tongues poised to sing
    Could still not convey
    The worth that Your name deserves
    Beauty for ashes
    Joy for pain
    Mercy instead of my blame
    Ruins me for more
    I'm lost in Your presence, Lord
     
    Hallelujah...
     
    Lost for the words to say
    I'm left here in disarray
    Waiting for You, waiting on truth
    I've thrown reason overboard
    Knowing that there's still more
    I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
    I can't seem to understand
    Can't seem to find my way
    It's over my head, it's over my head
    Learning this mystery
    Trust what I cannot see
    It's over my head, it's over my head
    The wonder of all You've made
    Foundations Your hands have laid
    Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
    I'm lost for the words to say
    Lost for another way
    Ruined for anything other than Your love
    I'm desperate to know You, Lord
    Desperate for what's in store
    Finding my hope in only You, in only You
    Take me beyond this door
    Lead me to something more
    Open my heart up for more of You, more of You